What is it about when someone tells you what to do?

I have been really good with my eating for about a week. I've been trying to eat actual food during the day. Yeah, I know novel idea huh? No Power Bars, Balance Bars, etc. Just actual meals. When I have no energy at all, this is a lot harder than it seems! I love when I make a big meal that I can eat for a few days. I'm not that picky. My sister in law gives me leftovers too, which totally rocks. And other times, there's nothing to be found. Anywhere. So I just wait until I have energy to make something. And sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Poor Jake. Problem is, he doesn't like anything I make, unless it is pasta. So, a can of soup or spaghetti for him. I do have oatmeal for breakfast usually so that lasts for a while.

But then I get starved by about 9:00 at night, and I want to eat everything. Is that a good plan for my body? No. So, I am trying to remember just to eat real food during the day. It was going quite well and I didn't feel like eating junk at night. Then, today, while I was lying there fat flat on the table, getting a massage today (the only thing that makes my muscles relinquish their vise grip) the guy starts going on and on about how I need to watch my carbs and that bread is only carbs, and especially watch my fat intake, and I shouldn't eat sugar, etc. (This guy also once went on and on about how I need to exercise. I know. I used to exercise all the time. I loved exercise. It made me happy. It makes me very unhappy that if I do it now, I am even more unable to get out of bed than usual. It does not help to tell me these things. I would give my right elbow to be able to go on a nice jog and not have it make me want to die. But I suppose you can't understand these things unless you have been there. And I hope you don't have to come here.)

So, guess what I did tonight? Came home and scarfed down a half bag of these puppies and ate a cookie. And this is on top of the fattening and delicious pizza my mom got for us at her house. Is it just me or would it be common courtesy to note that it takes a lot of courage to get my half-naked body up on that massage table when I am not even real comfortable with myself in clothes? Dude. You think I don't know all that??? I used to eat really healthy. Grrr. Something truly went awry in my body and I just crave stuff like crazy. Even when I eat real food. It drives me up the wall. I am trying. so. hard. I will be eating some junk for Christmas. So, family, don't expect me to be a saint. But hopefully I can make some progress after that. It feels like no matter what I do though, (I really am good sometimes) my body either just stays the same or gets bigger. Like the fat just wants to stay, like a rude and unwanted houseguest who will never leave.