Why yes... I do need help.

Psychological help.

I absolutely love browsing sewing blogs. Some of my favorites are not even in English! It makes me feel broadened a little though, to be able to stick the link through google translate and read most of what they are saying. It makes the world feel a little smaller to me and I love that.

Think this is too funky with the armbands?

Some of the European sewing and clothing is more funky, or at least funky in a different way than the U.S. styles, but I am drawn to them. (This is definitely one of the less funky things I have considered.) One of my "issues" in life is seeing so many different styles that I start to wonder what my sister and sister-in-law will think is normal for me to sew for their kids! I think I probably talk myself out of way too many things. Why the anxiety... WHY????? :D It keeps me from getting lots done, I know, aside from the energy riddle. I worry if I can do it, what part I will screw up, what if I do it and they hate it, how the neckline might be too stretched out, my seams aren't perfect, will it fall apart, does this really go together... ACK! Obsessive much? It is actually a wonder I get anything done!! I swear that inner voice is like a sick, leather whipping, psycho sometimes! Don't be scared of me. I don't usually let that part spill over to other people. Really. In fact, I don't even think all that stuff matters that much! Just doing something and having fun doing it is seriously such a joy. So why can't I let go of the dang obsessiveness?! It is good to be self-aware at least. If I know I am anxious, and I am aware of it, then I can at least know that I am being weird or freaking myself out and talk myself down some. I think I need to go meditate.

5 More for Turkey Day

Today I am so grateful for life and the beauty in it. Here is my list of 5 for today. (I was going to do one yesterday, but life got in the way!)

1. modern medicine

2. energy medicine

3. that I get to have dinner with my family today.

4. that I have lost a little weight

5. gamma globulin

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. Thanks so much for all of your feedback about my blog - it is working now, I think/hope! and for your always kind comments. I am grateful for you all!

Five a Day

Five things I am grateful for today:

1. FAMILY - you guys are wonderful and I love you all!
2. Jake - he is such a great kid and fills my heart with love each day.
3. the gospel, good church leaders, scriptures, guidance, the SAVIOR (Yeah I'm cramming that all into one so I can fit it in!)
4. good books
5. that my sister and brother and spouses/families are coming for Christmas ... WOOOHOOOO!!!

I have a question - is my blog only showing up green to you, with the pink writing, and no brown background? It keeps doing that for me so I wanted to check. And - can anyone tell me how to just get a cute banner at the top - and favorite sites for that? I love this background, but it is not displaying correctly, plus the design takes up a lot of space. Thank you for any help or feedback!

You gotta swim

I like the song "Swim" so much that sometimes I come to my blog just to listen to it. It is at the top of my playlist to the right if you want to hear it. Andrew McMahon, the singer and song-writer for Jack's Mannequin wrote the album The Glass Passenger during and after his battle with Leukemia. It is full of deep emotion. I read that he said he wrote this album to get someone through a bad day. Some of his songs are not my thing, but I love Swim and a few others. I just love what the iTunes review says about Swim: "Swim may be the album's spiritual center, an expression of dogged resolve in the face of dark forces." You can view a video of the trailer for Dear Jack, the documentary of the diagnosis and battle with Leukemia here.

You gotta swim

Swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the Earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking the armour, yeah

I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your family, your lovers
Your sisters and brothers and friends

Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for these lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking the armour, yeah

I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in driftin'
Feel the tide shifting
And wait for the spark

Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think

The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above

Just keep your head above
Swim

Just keep your head above
Swim

Just keep your head above
Swim

When asked in an interview what he has learned from his experience with Leukemia, he replies: "If I could say anything, if I've learned anything from it - you never know what's coming for you. I don't say that to instill any sort of paranoia, but the point being, you don't know that you might not wake up tomorrow, and it's you or your friend, or some other possible road block that you might not know happen. You try and make sure day to day that you're living, not so that you are prepared for something like that, but you're living in a way that would make you okay with it. That could mean a lot of different things to a lot of people. For me, it's as simple as trying to live a life as a kind person, and doing things that I'm proud of, and looking after the people that I love in my life, and being as connected to the things and people that hold you in and are special to me." - Love that.

Presents

Miss Sarah had a birthday a couple weeks ago. This is what I sent her:

A shirt I hotfixed with a rhinestone "5"

A set of jammies with a funny thing she said stenciled on them

and little treat bags for her and Sam

Here she is in her "5" shirt with flowers from her daddy for her flower party.

I just love this picture of her getting her toenails painted! I miss her and wish I could have been there to celebrate her birthday with her in person!

Aunty Ollie Giveaway

One of my "when I get well" dreams is to become a clothing designer - mostly for kids. I have always loved apparel - it just excites me! I saw this giveaway and thought I'd enter because 1- what the heck? I could win stuff for my nieces (and maybe nephews?) And 2- the clothes are fun and I like to dream about being a designer like Aunty Ollie some day. You can join too - you just post a link on your blog!

Does This Zit Make My Butt Look Big?

I promise I will stop dedicating posts to Nie so you do not tire of them. But I was going to email Stephanie a long email in response to this post and decided I wanted to say it here since it describes a big part of my life right now. I know it is long and I hope it is not too depressing. It is real, and hard, but I am so blessed too.

Stephanie, You are as beautiful as anyone can be. You are the most remarkable person and so lovely inside and out. Seriously, the inner beauty that you contain could not compare to model beauty - they are tiny smurfs in comparison to your giant beauty.

I relate to this particular struggle, because I have a chronic illness (Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction) that has taken my looks and thrown them against the pavement with a splat. I have huge cystic acne that takes forever to heal, I have gained 100 pounds, I am pale and my eyes are sunken in with dark circles under them that never go away. I could go on, and yes, I know it could be much worse, and this may seem very petty and dumb in comparison, but it has been so hard to lose the sense of identity I had tied to my looks.

I feel so much worse when I exercise that I can't handle it, even though I used to love it - so I can't seem to make a dent in the weight, even on a grain-free, hardly any natural sweetener diet. So many systems in my body have gone haywire, including my thyroid and adrenal glands and I know they play a part in that.

I have also lost some of the things I could do that I tied my identity to, at least for now. I haven't accomplished the things I have wanted to in life. I guess the Lord has a much different plan for me. It is difficult when many days, all I can do is go from the bed, getting up to go to the bathroom no less than 1,000 times, to the computer so I can sit up for a while and be awake, to the couch and then back to bed with my greasy hair slathered to my head, in my pajamas and hope that no one looks too closely when I pick Jake up from school because I look like a scary mcfright show. But I try to remember who I am on the inside. I know I put too much stock in what others think of me and my weight gain (when I do actually use the energy it takes to shower and go out in the world). It makes me hide from the world. But not you. You are courageous in the face of losing the easy movement in your skin, the worldly beauty that you knew before. You are courageous, even though you look different than you did, and different to the world. You are beautiful beyond compare.

Love emanates from you. God's love. Pure love. Thank you for sharing your beautiful self with all of us. You inspire me daily to forget the things that don't matter and focus on the things that do. Thank you, above all, for reminding me of Christ's love.

The Old and the New

Here is Jake before one big day this month:

Falling backwards fast so that he is blurry.

Mug shot
Laughing because he thinks he's so funny

And NOW:

He got braces!!!Being silly again
And again. (My camera was on the red eye position so it took longer to take the picture after I'd push the button. So Jake thought it was very funny to smile and look like he was taking a nice, normal picture and then to jump up real close, or lean back real fast, or do a serious face!) He keeps me smiling. I guess they never stop being silly.

This cute kid has been sick in bed for a week! The doctor thought it might be swine flu. Whatever it was, it was something else I tell ya. He could barely move. And all this happened right at the end of the term when everything is due and he missed tons of tests, etc. Crazy! I am just glad he is on the upswing now.

Also, I love this blog post.

Thank you BYUTV and other notes

Today I am thankful for.... BYUTV. If it weren't for you, BYUTV, I would not be able to have such a nice Sunday when I am not able to make it to church.

But, because you do exist, I get to have a nice Sunday spirit in my home. I get to watch Women's Conference in my pajamas on my couch and (thanks to dvr) pause it if I need to go to the bathroom or make a snack. I get to record a nice little talk by John Bytheway for a great Family Home Evening with Jake.

I also am so happy that I have The Old Testament Made Easier that I borrowed from my mom. It makes the Old Testament infinitely more readable for me, and much less weird. 'Cause let's face it, there is some weird stuff in that book of scripture. Some very interesting stories, just some weird and confusing stuff too. So it is making a world of difference for me for this time around of reading it. I can't remember if I thought it was this strange before, but I did have college teachers, seminary teachers and Sunday school teachers guiding the way the last times I read it.

Other good reads: I am reading Catching Fire - the 2nd book in the Hunger Games trilogy. At first I thought the Hunger Games was too sickening of a premise for me, but I read it for a book club and was hooked. It really pulls you in and I loved it.

I wanted to say thank you for everyone sounding off on Jake's homework issues! You are all so great and it all helped. I actually almost erased that post, but I'm glad I didn't because it was good to hear your ideas, and good to hear we're not alone. He is hanging in there and I am trying not to add stress to his stress! He also had fun in Hawaii last week! I need to do some updates and I will try to be better at it. I hope you are all doing well!

I'm Not Ready

for Jake to go back to school. It just doesn't seem like it is time. It has been so fun to just relax with him and watch a show together or play games. Summer went by too fast and now he has to sit through 7 hours of school and come home and we have to deal with 1-3 hours of agonizing homework. It just doesn't sound fun to me. Jake gets stressed ->which slows him way down at getting anything done -> which makes me stressed because I want him to get to bed at a decent hour -> which makes him more stressed -> see the pattern? He is a smart kid and does really well in school. There is just this big obstacle for him when it comes to doing his homework, and I think it happens at school too. He freaks out inside and it slows him down. Way down. It is weird to me with him because he is such a wonderfully capable person, and this doesn't show up with anything but schoolwork.

A half hour of homework can take up to 2 hours. No joke. I end up going upstairs to cool off just because the whole process is so dang frustrating.

SO... do I just take myself out of it? Just say calmly and reasonably that it is homework time and to start. Try not to be bothered when he is not doing it for 3/4 of the time or when he is sitting there staring off for 30 minutes between each math problem. Just let it go? Would that help him to take charge of it? He does care how well he does. But also gives up and just wouldn't turn something in if he thinks it is too much. And once that happens, he starts to feel behind and buried and the stress gets bigger. And there are also times where he legitimately needs my help. And then drama and trauma ensues. Why is it so hard? Do I just keep at it, trying to stay balanced between being patient and keeping him on task? What do I do when I am just not up to dealing with it all?? I guess just let him figure it out for himself. Or call Gram, or Anne.

If that doesn't work, can he come live with you during the school year?

It is funny - when he does homework with Anne (who does tutoring), he gets a ton done in a short time. AAAAAAAAAGGH what am I doing wrong?? Is it just a mom/son thing? If you have any ideas, please let me know. On the other hand, he thoroughly loves and needs the friends and social aspect of school and this gets even stronger as he gets older. He is a people person and it drives part of him a little crazy to be stuck home alone with just the two of us all the time. (Although he needs his down time too.) He thrives on being with people. I just need to somehow pull my head out of it and not stress when he is stressed so homework can go a little more smoothly for us.

Sorry this is so dang long. I even cut some out! And this format makes it seem even longer. Thanks for sticking with me, if you did.

A Bundle of Yummy

Here is my little niece Elise in a onesie I appliqued for her. This onesie was given to my sister-in-law Anne with a really weird applique on it, so we pulled it off and I did the birdies on it instead. Could this baby get any cuter? Dang! I want to eat her up!

And you'd think all she does is smile...

...and goo and try to talk to you. She LOVES when you talk to her. She is definitely a people person already. Hmmm... could she be her mom's daughter?

And her brother Andrew, the entrepreneur has been busy this summer. Busy doing what? Making money. He had a farmer's market with my dad's veggies from his garden and some magnets he made, and he made $25.00. I think I just found a new summer job for Jake next year. Maybe Anne and Curt won't have to worry about putting Andrew through college - if he keeps going at this rate he will take care of it himself. He is so cute and funny. He is always selling candy and wanting to do lemonade stands. He brought me some snickerdoodles for my birthday (made my day!) and he "snicked my doodle!" He told me it was cauliflower under the foil and I believed him. Little trickster. I love the phrase "snick my doodle." Anne said he kept saying he was going to snick my doodle the whole time he was making cookies.

Glad To Be Alive

It has been a whole year since this happened, so many of you may know all about this, but I was really touched by it today and wanted to devote a post to a remarkable woman.

Stephanie Nielson is an LDS blogger who has had a very strong following on her wonderful blog which celebrated the small moments of family life that make it all worthwhile. She is a dear person, and so is her husband. Last year, they were in a plane crash that killed their friend and severely burned and almost killed both of them. I guess the Lord saw fit to put these tremendous people through a true refiner's fire when He gave them this trial but Stephanie is healing and writing her blog again. She hiked the Y Mountain Saturday to mark a year since the accident. Her husband Christian had burns on over 30% of his body and Stephanie had burns on over 70% of her body and was in a coma for over 2 months.

I sometimes feel so awful physically, and grow so incredibly tired of it, that thoughts like - getting in a car accident and passing from this life might be a big relief- but then I take it back and apologize to the powers that be. In reality, I am so so very grateful for my life, and all the many blessings in it and I have no desire to leave Jake behind until we are both much, much older. I just wanted to say how grateful I am for my life today. I have so much. I love you - family and friends. I love the Lord. Stephanie is a beautiful beautiful person and she still appreciates the small and the big things that many of us often forget. I celebrate her and her life. The Lord has quite a plan for her.

Here's a quote from the New York Times about her and her blog: “People don’t understand that of course Stephanie had days where she was crazy and wanted to pull her hair out... Her relationship with her husband wasn’t perfect. But she chose to focus on the beauty.

“And the more she focused on it, the more she had.”

May we all do the same.

Since Today Is My Birthday...

And I am turning 37 (ACK! Where has all the time gone!?)...

I decided to share 37 Random Facts About Me

1. I think it would be awesome to learn to fly an airplane.
2. I have been parasailing and loved it!
3. I would really love to go hang gliding.
4. Bungee jumping doesn’t appeal to me because I think it would yank my back completely out of whack and I would hurt.
5. For one whole summer, I wouldn’t (or would only rarely) swim in our pool when I was younger because of all the snot I always saw people wipe from their noses.
6. I thought it was cool when my cousin Camille plugged her nose when she swam, so I did too, and now I ‘have’ to plug my nose.
7. I absolutely LOVE L-O-V-E LOVE riding on a boat, in the front with the wind in my hair.
8. I love wind.
9. I would really, really like to prove to myself that I can make money at a great job that was meaningful to me.
10. I would REALLY like to feel up to doing more than lying in bed all day every day. REALLY.
11. I love heat. When I was in High School, I had a heater in my room and knew how to use it! I think I probably kept it at about 75º in there.
12. I love sunshine and spring and summer and dislike fall and winter.
13. I don’t like mushrooms. All I can think about is that they’re fungus.
14. Sometimes I eat cinnamon straight out of the spice jar.
15. I think hairspray is icky. I don’t like the smell. I don’t like the feel of it in my hair. And I really can’t stand the feeling that it is on me anywhere, and it feels like that once you spray it on your hair, because that stuff goes everywhere.
16. My favorite meal in college was Special K cereal. But that was also when I really got into learning to like vegetables.
17. I don’t like chocolate. Well... not that much.
18. I like chocolate chip cookies, but pick out some of the chocolate chips. Ok –I’d pick them all out if I could.
19. I don't really like candy.
20. I do (unfortunately) like baked goods and bread.
21. I think carrot cake (without raisins or nuts) is way better than chocolate or vanilla cake.
22. I don’t tolerate a lot of noise very well.
23. I feel things extremely deeply.
24. Life would be a lot easier if I didn’t.
25. I read constantly. I often have a novel, a self-help or health-type book, and something else like a church magazine going at one time. I can’t focus well on the non-fiction, but I like to learn that stuff so I try. I have to have a good novel going at all times.
26. I am very interested in alternative medicine.
27. I really like things to be pretty and am very aesthetically-minded. Ie: cool fonts, pretty paper, my surroundings, clothes, etc.
28. I’m kind of scared of people.
29. I like words. I LOVE word games. One of my top favorites is where you make as many words as you can out of another word.
30. I write to people better than I talk to them.
31. I wish I had more kids. Like 4 altogether.
32. But I would need MUCH better health.
33. I love water. It is the only thing I really like to drink.
34. I think the voice is the best musical instrument. (not mine)
35. I like to travel and see different places. I even like to be in different cities that are near to me just to be there and see what they are like.
36. I like natural foods and rarely eat refined sugar. I try not to eat processed stuff.
37. I don’t eat or drink dairy, except for cheese, which I seem to tolerate just fine.

Me in 1974 (age 2) with Jeff

Got kid's art?

Well you have to go and submit it here! This guy is brilliant. He even says so himself. (Which makes me giggle.) And meanwhile, you gotta go check out what this word genius says about my niece Sarah's art. Remember to dance with the triangles today!

Music Camp

We had such a fun night Tuesday night. My mom, dad, JoAnna, Sam, Sarah and I all went to see Jake play the drums and cymbals at East Canyon Resort (a campground with a general store, restaurant, pool, etc.- my kind of campground!) He got to go to a music camp up there for 2 days and it ended with a concert. Jake did a fantastic job and it was gorgeous up there in the mountains. What a fun place!

Playing the congo drums

and the cymbals

the band in the pretty pavillion

On another musical note (ha ha get it?) you must watch this video from America's Got Talent. I probably would not watch this show myself, but Jake likes to watch it and it is great to have something to watch together. It is these stories that make me glad that I do. I love this guy. His tears at the end just topped it off for me.

4th of July Part 2

I guess I was being too ambitious saying I would post these the next day. Here are the rest of our 4th of July pictures. We had a lot of fun! Here's yummy little Elise in the flag onesie I appliqued for her. Andrew and Elise togetherJake did a great job manning the fireworks

Sam and Andrew got to pick out which ones we did next. They danced, screamed and jumped all around when each one went off. It made the night 10 times more fun to see how excited they were.

And here's Elise with her hand over her heart. I guess she is as grateful for this country as I am.

It's a Grand Old Flag

Andrew had requested some 4th of July jammies back when I finished his St. Patrick's Day pjs. He wanted the flag to be a pocket. Well, since Sam is in town (YAY!) and has always loved flags, I couldn't leave him out! When I told them I was making them, Sam very hopefully asked if they were the kind with the flag going all the way across instead of little ones all over. Luckily, that is exactly what I had planned and cut out already! So here are the flag jammies. With many thanks to Gram for helping me to match the stripes. I cut these out of Old Navy Men's boxers which made the stripe-matching a little harder but was perfect for the fabric! I finally finished these on July 3rd and brought them to Sam and Andrew with chocolates in the flag pockets on the shirt. (My mom stuck a flag in it for this picture.)

When I brought the jammies out to them, they were so excited that they went and changed right then and there in the playhouse. (We won't mention the streaking to run upstairs to get some underwear since they just had swimsuits on.)
My mom wanted them to tuck just the center part of their shirt in so we could see the blue part of the flag, but then they both proceeded to tuck their shirts in as far as they could. When we said "oh wait...." Sam said they needed to do it that way because then they looked nice "right Andrew?" :) Andrew agreed. Did I mention how much I love my nephews?

There are already so many pictures in this post, I will wait and post a couple pictures of Elise being patriotic tomorrow. I hope you all had a happy 4th!

A Little Piece of Heaven

Welcome to the World Miss Elise Kimble!

What is it about babies that makes it so you just can't pull away. They just lie there sleeping and you want to sit and watch. This precious bundle was delivered on June 14th to Curt and Anne and they are pleased as punch. In fact, we are all in love with her. My dad insists that if you went up to heaven to find the most beautiful baby to bring to earth, it would be little Elise. She is as precious as they come and doesn't want for attention when family is around!

Smiling for her dad on her first day home from the hospital.

She is a long awaited and special blessing and I am so glad she is here!

A Short Update

I've been called out! I just HAD to come post! No, really I am glad that Jana called me out and made me think that someone actually cares what I post! And now she can't steal back the ADORABLE turtle scrapbook paper she got me. (Thanks for that Jana - you rock!!) I need to keep up better. I have actually gotten a little online job. It is a fun one where I get to work with a great lady selling fabric and sewing supplies! It has been really great to learn new things. It has been keeping me busy, and I just haven't had the mental energy to post here. Know what I get in return for my work? FABRIC! And sewing notions!!! Pretty fun huh?

Of course this has its disadvantages as well as its advantages. It gives me more inspiration and even more ideas floating around in my head just begging to be made!! I wish I was a super fast sewer with tons of energy, who just turned things out daily - maybe then I could keep up with my mental sewing! Looking at fabric all day just gets me drooling over it more, but I am hopefully building up a little resistance! So there's an update. I will try to post more soon. Jake is having a great summer so far.

Worth so much more than money

This right here is what keeps me going.I mean, tell me that doesn't warm your heart. For me, there's no better gift. It is like the pure love of a child captured and put into an envelope and sent through the mail. This was Sarah's "thank you" for the clothes I made her. It is a labor of love, I tell ya. There's nothing like my niece, nephews and Jake to remind me that life is worthwhile and full of joy and beauty.

Oh my gosh I love the people she draws. From the banana/triangle people above to these guys with their awesome hair. I. love. them. (Don't mind the bleed-through from the other side of the paper - it just means there's another picture to enjoy.)

I think this one looks like a treasure map. See the xs to mark the treasure spot? And the little fish in the pond in the middle? And the maze that adorable little person had to walk through to find it? See those letters at the top? She does some good letters for only 4 years old! OK, end of love fest, but these made me so happy. Thanks Sarah!

To Curt

a.k.a Curty, Cuteski, Curt the Dirt Squirt, and MacGyver.

You are one of my favorite people. I'm so glad I got to grow up with you as my brother. I remember being so proud of all my scrapes, cuts and bruises when we compared to see who had more. And I know that you have exceeded my score by at least a trillion. I remember running away to the barn, and you taking your food sticks. I remember feeling like I wasn't all alone in the world because of you. I felt like you "got" me when we were little and trying to figure out life. I remember looking up to you, even though you were my little brother. I still do. Even though you don't love being social, you have such an enjoyable and lovable personality. I have always loved your sense of humor and your sense of style.

People in the neighborhood used to call Curt MacGyver because he could make anything out of anything. The legendary fort with electricity, the luge run he built in his yard this year, and much more. He is always doing fun and crazy things. My mom was tending his son Andrew and they were talking about Curt's big rocks in his yard that he uses to build obstacle courses and mountains for his little all-terrain remote control car to climb. She said, "I wonder if anyone else has a dad as crazy as yours." He pretty quickly responded, "My dad." (pretty smart for a little guy. My dad is definitely the pre-cursor to Curt.) And then as he was walking away he said, "And I'll probably be like that."

Because you know - dads who build Luge runs, obstacle courses and motorcycle and sled/snowboarding jumps in their yards are where it's at.

I love you Curt!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And thanks for being a great brother.

2 New Outfits for My Little Sarah Girl

The skirt is Onion pattern 20021. The top is from Target, and the pin is made by me. My first hot fix bling efforts ever. I have been informed that Sarah now likes anything she thinks is "pretty". I hope she thinks her new outfit is pretty! (This is the same girl who refused to dress up like a princess at a princess party - which I'm sure was the dream of most of the girls there!)

Knit play shorts - Ottobre pattern 3/07 #10. Top from Target. These were fun projects!! I loved both patterns - pretty easy but satisfyingly cute!

p.s Suz, Kara, and Jana - your rice bags are next!